I’ve been thinking a lot about energy lately.
At the end of last year, I went through a period of extreme anxiety.
Sleep was impossible. I was nervous and restless. I awoke many times into panic attacks filled with racing thoughts, hyperventilation and sometimes tears.
Sometimes the first words out of my mouth as I opened my eyes were “I can’t breathe.”
This isn’t the first time this has happened however something about these attacks felt different from all the others.
Somehow through them, rather than feeling like a victim, I felt empowered. Rather than feeling like my anxiety was a source of pain, for the first time, I felt it as a source of release.
For the first time, I felt like I was working with my anxiety rather than it working against me.
Rather than fighting it, I let it flow. I acknowledged it for what it was- stuck energy becoming dislodged from deep inside me- I let it move through me.
Instead of becoming frustrated that I was having anxiety, I thanked it for making its way out of me. All anxiety is energy and like any other energy, it needs to be discharged and released so it can be transformed.
So I allowed myself to surrender to this anxious energy flow. I cried through it and breathed through it. I moved towards it and into it rather than away and against.
I felt it move through me, dissipating from my body as I racked my brain for a reason to why I had been feeling this way. Then it dawned on me. The reason was not external, but rather internal. My anxiety had become a medium through which negative energy was leaving my body.
I started to think of my own anxiety, which I resisted and dreaded for so long, as almost an extension of my immune system. Rather than thinking of anxiety as the problem or the pathogen, I began to think of it as a symptom. A symptom of my body discharging energy which was no longer of use to me. As we go through life, so much energy builds up, it needs an outlet to discharge, like lightning into the sky.
It was uncomfortable and unenjoyable, to say the least, but it wasn’t scary, at least not anymore. My panic no longer gripped me with fear. Like the energy moving and transforming through my body, my anxiety transformed from panic into catharsis.
Because now I knew, as strange as it sounds, that the anxiety was on my side and that I needed to trust that it would pass and when it did I would move deeper into a calmer, clearer, and safer space.
And that’s exactly what happened.