November 2014: I was in the throes of depression; clawing my way out of the deep bottom I had tumbled into. Hopelessly crawling through the darkness, wishing for just one stray ray of light, one shred of hope. But they didn’t live there, only my demons and me.
I walked off the NYC Metro and up the subway stairs, fresh tears running down my frozen face. I was so tired, so weak, so sick of fighting. All I wanted was to sink down against that hardened city cement, where so many lost souls had leaned up against before, never to get back up again.
I wanted to allow myself to wither away like wilting flowers succumbing to a winter frost. I wanted to disappear in the winter wind. In that moment I was already a ghost.
But I didn’t wither that day, or the day after, or the one after that. I got back up to face another day. I wiped my tear soaked eyes and walked up those subway steps, despite the pain, the despair, and the bleakness in the sky, reflecting my soul.
Despite all that was stacked against me. I chose to live another day.
Today, April 2017: I sit on a very different train. The sun shines down on my face through the windowpane. I don’t know where it’s going. I do know, however, that it is taking me exactly to the place I need to be.
I settle into my seat and deeper into that trust, that surrender of not having it all figured out but filled with faith that everything will happen exactly as it needs to and that as I relax deeper into the “now,” I will receive all the answers I need, at exactly the right moment in time so I can live those truths to the fullest.
Until then: I will live the questions. Embrace the journey. Ride the ride. Surrender to the flow, each day learning a little better how to let go.
Let go of all the parts of me that no longer serves me, that are not of my highest good.
Letting what needs to die inside me die so I can be reborn a fuller, more complete version of myself.
Allow fear to fall away like leaves on fall trees. Shed skins of self-doubt. Shake off all my preconceived notions of who I am supposed to be.
Emerging as a clean slate, naked, wild, and free.
The train rolls to a stop. I know it’s my time to get off. I step out and inhale the crisp spring air, the frozen earth slowly but surely thawing out, allowing new life to burst through, to flourish, to live. Reborn exactly as it should.
Winter was never meant to last forever. No matter how dark the days get, spring is always on the horizon, waiting to explode with life, waiting for you. Inviting you, calling you to come and soak it all in, to breathe it, to live it, to be it.
And your journey will take you there, despite how hard it may be to believe. You will get there. It is your destiny.
Until then, I will wait for you here, resting in the sunshine.